It had been a long, tiring day – one of those where I was dreaming about how good it would feel to curl up in bed and just sleep. I knew I needed a good night of rest after losing a little sleep the night before. In the wee hours of the morning, I awoke feeling scared of losing Asha. I’d felt this fear before, but it had been a while since it had tormented me like that in the middle of the night. Because I’d faced this familiar feeling before, and overcome it, I knew what to do.

Really, it was just grief masking itself as fear. Because I’ve lost 2 of my children so suddenly, sometimes a fear creeps in that I’ll lose Asha suddenly, as well. And because the enemy is not at all creative, the only strategies he has are the same tricks that worked on us before.

So there he was, trying out his old tricks on me. It didn’t take long for me to realize that what I really needed to do was grieve the children who were with me one minute and gone the next, so that I would no longer be tormented by the possibility of something similar happening with Asha. In choosing to grieve, I was silencing the fear of more loss.

So I got out of bed, and just cried. I put on some worship music and invited the Lord to come near. And He did. Just like He always does. I stayed and just enjoyed His nearness, letting His peace tenderly come over me. Then with the peace of Heaven wrapped around me like a blanket, I laid back down and let it soothe me back to sleep.

Fast forward to about 9:45PM later that same day – I was tired from losing sleep the night before, and my head was settling into its pillow ready for a solid night of rest. It was then that I think my heart remembered that it was still sad. I’d had a full day of mothering, with not much time to stop and pay attention to my heart. But the needs of my heart were still there – awake – ready for me to pay attention to them.

So again, I got out of bed, grabbed my journal and went downstairs to pay attention to my heart. As I sat there journaling, I remembered that I’d written in my book about a similar feeling I was currently experiencing. So I went and got Becoming the Butterfly from its place on display and curled up on the couch to read. Those familiar words were so comforting. I let them wash over me until I felt peace again. And then, at long last, I went to bed and slept peacefully.

Rarely is grief convenient. It certainly wasn’t on the night when my body was desperate for sleep. Thankfully I’ve learned how important it is to just stop and mourn when that wave of grief hits. Even sleep won’t quench that pain from my heart. Only in facing it with Jesus will I find comfort, hope, and the ability to move forward. And because I’ve experienced the beautiful nearness of God throughout my journey, I’m not scared to face my pain. For my God meets me in the middle of it with a gift of peace for the process.

This is how we steadily overcome, friends. We take on our pain one wave of grief at a time inside the peace of God.